Simply Me

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Bon Anniversaire!

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It’s my birthday today: May 9th, 2013. Yay for me.

In these last few moments, I’ve taken a moment to reflect on the past day. First of all, let me make it clear that I don’t enjoy celebrating my birthday. It seems, to me, to be a pointless celebration of something which you had absolutely no control over. Does anyone even think of saying “Thanks, Mom, for popping me outta your uterus?” And secondly, what is there to celebrate really? The fact that you’ve survived another year? The fact that you became wiser? The fact that you’re moving closer to some indeterminable goal of the future? If I was really a pessimist, I’d probably say my birthday is the most depressing day of the whole year; it’s one year closer to my death (yay?)

This being said, I had a pleasant day today. It was pouring outside, which I interpreted to be a gift from Mother Nature as I love rainy days. I received few but amazing presents (which, in my book, counts for a lot; the thought matters the most to me). And even though I protested weakly, my true friends knew that I secretly enjoyed hearing them scream “Happy birthday” in the halls.

The Joy of Being Young

During fourth period today, I was sitting in my math class, one of three silent students amidst the teenage chaos. Almost everyone was filled with excitement for our school’s annual Battle of the Classes which takes place tonight. My teacher had given up trying to teach. Instead, she let us talk (more like scream) amongst ourselves. Don’t be fooled. She wasn’t being nice; she was just too tired to deal with us. The one failing senior of the class, Cory, paced around the room, placing an order for a bacon, egg, cheese sandwich. He then ordered a can of lemonade as well. While he was doing that, the annoying Korean kid was sneaking around dropping Styrofoam scraps on people’s heads and giggling to himself. A corner of the room was filled with gossiping students…Battle this, Battle that.

And how did I feel about it all? I was loving it (just like the McDonald’s slogan, yay).

But seriously, this is what being a teenager is about. The energy, the carefree living, the youth, and then some. What most of the students here don’t realize is how much they’re going to miss this experience when they graduate. Yes, university is fun I’m sure, but when will we ever be in that awkward (yet pleasant) transitioning stage again? Of course there are those who won’t agree with me. I’m not going to pretend I don’t get it; I do. As much fun as high school seems, there’s also a lot of drama and teenage angst (understatement of the century?), but I try to look at the positive side of life. There are things that I won’t miss about high school, but there’s also so much that I’m going to remember and love years from now. I might not remember the names of the people, the places, or the events, but I’ll occasionally sift through the memories and find myself smiling.

So the advice I have for all of you young ones out there: Live in the moment and be present.

In A Year

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Today, while in my Chamber Choir class, I was struck by the realization of how far I’ve come in a year. A year ago I had absolute no formal voice training, and now I’m an alto in Chamber. A year ago I wouldn’t have listened to choral music, and now it’s my guilty treasure. A year ago I wouldn’t be openly crying in the middle of a class while my teacher played a recording of  “I Need You to Survive” by Hezekiah Walker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUUHPDUsLJ0), but I was today.

“I Need You to Survive” is possibly one of the simplest songs I have ever heard, but its message wraps itself around your soul and tugs at your heartstrings. In no way am I trying to promote its religious meaning (despite its constant reference to God). It’s the line “I need you to survive” that makes it so incredibly beautiful. It’s also the line that caused me to cry. As I was listening to the song I couldn’t help but glance at the one girl in my class who is brave enough to come out as a former cutter. In a sense I was crying for her, for every single one of the scars that I see marring her smooth skin. A year ago she was on the brink of leaving the world behind, but she decided that she needed to survive, and she is forever grateful. While listening to the song, I couldn’t help but cry for myself as well. I constantly struggle with my own survival, and this song was a rallying cry for me.

Perhaps my ability to understand and experience my emotions much more deeply than before is the greatest change I’ve seen this year. Yes, I cry more. Much, much more. Those who have never seen me cry are now constantly seeing my continuous flow of tears. Once, I thought it was a bad thing, but maybe…maybe it’s not anymore. Crying doesn’t show weakness; it shouts strength.

I now have the strength to expose my vulnerability to the world. A year ago I did not.

We Are Young So Let’s Set the World On Fire…

Yeah, no. Let’s not. It’s okay to compose a song with stupid lyrics (‘cause it’s all shits and giggles then), but when it actually happens, you’re going to land your ass in jail. And guess what? Ma and Pops aren’t going to be able to bail you out of this one.

So what happened today? Why am I so riled up? Well, let’s see, shall we? There I was, in class, minding my own business (which basically means doodling boring, geometric patterns on paper and zoning out) when, sniff, sniff, I smelled something burning. At first I figured the smell was drifting from the Chem lab because something’s always burning in there, but then…BAM, fire alarm. Half the class was still zoned out and the other half was jokingly gathering up their valuables thinking it was a fire drill.

It wasn’t.

We all filed out and waited for the okay sign to go back into the school (it wouldn’t come for about another three hours). After about thirty minutes students realized that something terribly wrong happened. It was a real fire…set by one of the students.

Stupid.

That’s one of the first things that come to mind. How stupid could you be to think that you’d be able to get away with setting a fire in the boy’s bathroom when security cameras are positioned right outside, recording your every move. I’m guessing you fell down the stairs like I did this morning and knocked the common sense right out of your head. What other explanation is there?

Let’s say you wanted to get caught (I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt). Well, I’d love to get up close and personal and say some very unladylike phrases, BUT I like to think I’m a little more cultured than that. So I’ll just say this: Thank you. Thank you for setting fire to the toilet paper, potentially harming 1,500+ lives. I wouldn’t even be as upset if it weren’t for the fact that there were children as young as four years old in the building and teachers who have young children that need to be cared for.

Learn to express your deeply rooted problems in some other way. Don’t go setting your school on fire. I get it when you feel like you can’t talk with the school psychiatrist (which is probably the best solution if you’re feeling troubled), but reach out to someone. Schools always tell students to talk to “trusted adults”, but I understand that sometimes they are the problem. In that case, go online, find a chat group, and rant. Go home, scream into your pillow, and cry your eyes out. Start a diary. Start a hobby. And stop thinking of the negatives.

Embarrassment

Hmm…how to begin? Well, we all know how it feels to make a complete fool of ourselves. And, today, I did exactly that. I blurted out a sexual innuendo to my teacher (of the opposite sex) and continued to let out a continuous string of other sexual innuendos. And I didn’t realize I had made a sexual innuendo until right after I finished the sentence. Embarrassment to the extreme? I think so. What could have been so terrible you wonder? Here goes:

1. I dropped the papers off on your desk, and then put your nuts on top them! (Upon saying this I immediately realized that I should NOT have said the second part of the sentence. Crap. In case you’re wondering, he had a container of nuts lying on the desk which is why…you know…)

2. Okay, okay, I’m coming…right now! (This was later on in the day, and I don’t even remember what led me to say this. Thank goodness most people don’t pick up on this one.)

3. Hey, wanna do it with me? (No, no, no, no, no. Yet another foot in mouth moment.)

Just as I was about to get over the whole ordeal and move on with life, he leaves. And what does he say? He mentions the nuts and tells me to put them on the staplers and tape (that I had borrowed because I needed to touch up a bulletin board) when I return them to him. Then he winked and cracked up as he turned to leave. He WINKED. And CRACKED UP.

Crap.

The Beginning

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I know that one day everything will be okay. At least that’s what I tell myself. It’s not like I’m lying to myself though. I genuinely feel that one day I will get the fairy tale ending. But for now I think I’ll just deal with what I have. I’ll start at the very beginning.